Experience's a cruel teacher; gives the exam first, then the lesson

Finally back, but probably this place will be for my future self to look back at the timeline, look at how much ive grown...
Yesterday marked the end of the whole EOY 2014, since the first day of September holidays, 7 days, I spent 6 of them studying in the library. Through this whole month of intense mugging, intense cramming of knowledge I nvr knew into my mind, I've learnt a lot, realised a lot about myself.
Experience's a cruel teacher, gives the exam first, then the lesson
Many people say that I "study hard" but not "smart", I understand that theory, I know how to study smart too, just that it might be a lil too late to realise. Probably if i were to think positively, Late better than never, there's always next time. I only know I gave my best.
Experience's a cruel teacher; gives the exam first, then the lesson
The stress level i experienced might be also the worst I've eva got myself into in my 15 years of life. Stress, as I always thought is something that you tell yourself you have it. But that's not the case, stress is invisible, it can't be felt, it just build up in your heart, in your mind slowly as time goes on. And one day when something minor that get on your nerves happen, kaboom. there it goes, the coke bottle cannot contain the pressure anymore and there goes it. stress is not something that will happen immediately, it builds up over time. a small minor thing could leave me crying and screaming; that is stress.
Experience's a cruel teacher; gives the exam first, then the lesson
Maybe i would definitely not do well in this exam, i had already gave my best and that leaves me guilty free. But i dont understand, whats wrong? is it my studying methods? or my intelligence? or the reason i do all these for...
I know there's something wrong in my studying methods but I don't believe that could ruin everything. I know the problem lies with the reason behind me doing all these.
If i ask myself at this point in time, I mug so hard, mug for eoys? what for? i can jolly well just relax and YOLO all day like how i always used to. i wanna score? idw to be always at the bottom few? that makes up part of the reason but really, i know the main reason. I study for the sake of mom, i do everything for the sake of mom... I do well? mom would be happy, but would i really be happy? i know i would be happy too but, when I don't do well for a exam, normal friends would be unhappy cause they did so much, but for me? as long as mom dosen't care or scolds me, im fine with it. i do things for mom, and i need to change this mindset. if not, i will never succeed in life.
Same goes for piano, after stopping piano in march, gained back the motivation to play piano recently cause of someone, started playing all the songs i really want to. months ago, i do things for parents, dad likes this song so i should play, mom loves this album, so i should play too. and probably thats the reason. every fren who comes my house could play the piano better than i do, when i believe i had the most number of years of experience. 11 years of piano. 11. if i didnt start out the wrong way, i probably would be even furthur than who I am today. far more furthur. of course i cant blame mom for being overprotective, wanting me to be the best, supervising me but maybe thats not the best method. Friends with good results, 80% of their parents do not care bout their results. this really proves something. the way i started out with everything is wrong... i was forced to do things, not pick up smth i really like
Dance, that's something that i picked up on my own, without anyone's pressure, i like it, love it. Probably talent is something that we have to find out ourselves, not forced to learn stuff. my kids next time will definitely be given chance, i promise. caring too much sometimes might not be a good thing. it will just make kids go against you, probably, to think of it, if i didn't started piano the wrong way, i wouldn't be where i am today, i would be much more furthur, nearing the finishing line.
Experience's a cruel teacher; gives the exam first, then the lesson
its okay, its alright, at this point, at 15 years old, there's nothing much i can do, but to realise what to do, exams, its not the right studying method, we don't study for results, we study for knowledge. piano, its alright, i still can pick it up on own, as long as im willing to put in hard work and effort, i believe i can do this. dance, since i love it so much, i will continue, working hard
catherine, jiayous :)